Without a Race in Mind

Tucked into our warm home as the new year started, I dreamed of running and race possibilities for 2022. I spread out a paper calendar on the dining room table and penciled in potential races and added in the family and racing calendars. What to do? What to run? Where to run? Thankfully there are so many options to choose from now but impossibly, I cannot run every race. I always build around what sounds fun to me- a new challenge, a new race format, a new terrain, a new distance, etc. I rarely run the same race twice and when I do, I’m running a different distance than the time before. 

In discussing my plans for the year with a friend, I thought for certain I would be heading back to tick off the Superior 50 miler when she challenged me to consider going for the 100 mile instead. I fought back, saying that was not a part of the overall plan. Superior 100 is way later on my made up list of what 100’s I run in what order. She laughed and said I was cute when I was riled up. She never took her challenge back and just left it there for me. 

I picked up the idea, turned it over a few times, set it down and walked away. Absurd. My list is made up but it isn’t haphazard. It’s carefully built. I came back to the idea, examined it a bit closer, carried it with me for a while, then set it down and walked away again. My list is written on a 3x5 notecard I created years ago when I was considering running my first 50 mile race. It still seemed legitimate. I was not wrong about the information on it. Each race builds from one distance and amount of elevation gain to the next with increasing difficulty. But what I was starting to realize was that I was my own limiting factor, not the elevation gain per mile. This was a different idea and wasn’t going to fit on any index card.

For the longest time I thought it was external things holding me back but those were no longer true. I have physical and mental proof that I’ve met new distances, new elevation gains, and new terrains all with success. Running Superior 100 is no longer out of order for the runner I am now. 

I was prepared to have a full discussion with Bill about this idea when we both got sick. Bill spent a week wrapped in blankets in bed and I spent the nights on the couch. I didn’t have energy to do much, let alone think through a race 9 months away. The Superior lottery registration slipped away and I fell asleep trusting there would be other adventures waiting for me this year.

Once I felt well enough to get a few miles in, I, was ready to explore the possibilities once again but nothing was rising to the top. I cleaned up the calendars and race schedules. This wasn’t going to be solved in a weekend. 

So now I find myself in territory I haven’t been in in a long time- running without a race in mind. Not being bound to any races has a couple of effects. For one, I feel adrift. I don’t know what I’m doing or how I should run and it feels unstable. The other is that I have a chance to let my return to running build slowly and more in tune with the rhythms of my life.

Yet, I know what I’m doing. I’ve been here before- restarting and rebuilding. But this time I’m adding believing in myself.