Joe Fox and Engage

I wrote this back in December but never finished it. The lesson I learned that day has stuck with me and it was time to finish it and share it with you.

Today I stood in line at a bookstore and witnessed a scene that made me sad. Actually it made me mad. Really mad.

I had popped into the bookstore to grab a couple of magazines to read during an upcoming road trip. I noticed there was a line to the cashiers and hoped it would dwindle by the time I was ready to check out. As it turns out, the line had not only not dwindled it had in fact gotten longer. I took my place in the queue and perused the impulse items. I noticed that the line was incredibly quiet and no one seemed to be engaging in any small talk. (As you remember from my 50k race, I like to indulge in the small talk now and then.) My wait was a little over five minutes before I reached the cashiers and was third in line.

It was then that a woman caught my attention, really all of our attentions. She was voicing her frustration that a busy bookstore with more than enough employees to wander around (and apparently bothering her) asking if she needed help couldn't seem to get a clue that maybe they should put some of those employees on more registers. She really laid into the guy while simultaneously saying it wasn't his fault but the manager's and also that this was the only bookstore in town so she had to shop there. She turned to the woman next to her and apologized saying it just had to be said. The cashier muttered a few things to her but that did not appease her. I believe she huffed out of the store but I don't really know as I think I might have momentarily passed out from anger, shock and disbelief that that really just happened. 

My mind reeled with what to do with the whole thing. Indeed, there was a line and we all were witness to the whole scene and the tension was thick. I could crack a joke but what would I say? Should I sing? We all know the best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loudly for all to hear. All it would take would be one zinger and we would all feel better and have put her in her place. Or something. As it turned out, I ended up being checked out by the same guy and I didn't say much. I was as kind as I could be, said thank you and gave him a smile. He was obviously still upset. I had planned on grabbing a coffee on the way out and decided he needed one as well. I told the woman serving me that whatever the cashier liked to drink I would buy for him. They had heard the whole thing also. I told them that no one ever should be treated like that and that if you are going to go shopping on December 23 you should expect to stand in lines. They said I was the best customer of the day and I said I wasn't.

I told the world via Facebook how it should be. But even that has made me sad. I spent the rest of the afternoon fuming and thinking about the whole thing and a few things finally came to mind.

For one, I really, really wish I had spoke directly to that cashier about the situation or at least said something more. I have been under scrutiny with an audience before and it is a hot feeling to have yourself be laid open like that. You desperately want out but what would help in the meantime is to know that someone is on your side. I can't speak for the other people in line, but I did not feel the same way as that woman. By not speaking directly to him, I feel like I conveyed I was on Team Impatient.

Secondly, I wish, wish, wish I had thought of how to diffuse the situation in the middle of it. I wish I had Joe Foxed it today. 

While this scene isn't directly related, its what played over in my mind while thinking through today. And what I mean by Joe Foxed it (my own made up term) is I wish I could have engaged the woman right there. It took me a good couple of hours to come up with what I wish I would have done, which was to start talking to that woman about what she was buying and whom the book was for and other such non-confrontational conversations. 

Engage seems to be one of the words being impressed upon me for this year. At first I thought that it would mean to seek out new relationships and get all up in them. But right now, over a month into 2015 and longer since this bookstore scene, God has shown me a little differently. I'm leaving my definition of engage a little more open and allowing Him to guide me through. 

Kingdom Cares International, Part 1

It's been a long while since I last wrote about Kingdom Cares International but that doesn't mean nothing has been going on. In fact, with the gifts and monies that have been contributed over the last years, much has been happening and God has shown himself to the people of Asikuma, Ghana and beyond.

Jake and Janel, along with two other couples including one of Audrey's small group leaders recently traveled to Africa. Janel is starting to recap their trip on her blog Team-Sullivan.

If you are like me, you need a bigger perspective today. As with me, I need to pull out from my tiny corner of the world where I am caught up in the everything of life and see God working out His details all around the world. Head over to Team-Sullivan for more. 

Sole Hope, 2014

I recently discovered that I've gone through four pairs of running shoes in the past year. It came as a shock to me, really. I guess it is like tires on a dirt bike (they go through a lot) or or charging cords/earbuds on a teenager (she goes through a lot). All that being said, I am grateful my feet are healthy to run and that I have shoes to protect them when I run.

In November my friend Kate hosted another Sole Hope shoe cutting party. You may recall that she did this last year and how enthusiastic I was about the organization and their mission. I've spent the last year following them through social media (all links below) and continue to be impressed with them.

A few weeks later Kate took her Sole Hope party on the road to our church. 

Here are a few high school boys and a mom tracing and cutting. Girls- be on the lookout for guys like these. 

See? The woman in the striped shirt found an awesome guy! And little Bre is not going to let her age stop her from helping.

I don't know these people from our church but they make my heart burst with happiness!

Because so very little is needed to put on a shoe cutting party and the actual job is so easy, it is the perfect thing to do while chatting and sharing life. In other words, this provides both face to face and side by side interactions. 

These girls went from table to table picking up the cut out pieces, tossing scraps, and in general being great helpers and obviously super cute. (So sorry for the blurriness.)

I ended up working at the table where we took all the individual pieces and pinned them together into completed sets of a pair of shoes. 

I followed up with Kate recently and she told me that between the Saturday morning gathering, the Wednesday night gathering and a few other random times, she will be sending over 120 pairs to be sewn! 240 shoes!! WOW!!!

Here are all the links

Sole Hope Organization -Here you can find all the information about the organization, their mission, how to contribute and more.

Sole Hope Store -Just in case you want to do some shopping and own or give some Sole Hope items, it's all here. Buy a shirt (me + the baseball tee = gonna happen), sandals, water bottles or even baby shoes.

If you are on the social media outlets, follow them to see what life looks like day to day, to be encouraged and spurred on and to use it as a reminder to pray for them. (I feel like they do not use their photos to exploit the people they are serving which is awesome!)

Facebook
Twitter
Instagram - They are on here under Sole Hope.

I know I speak for Kate as well, I'm so thankful for all the hearts and hands and worn out jeans and empty milk jugs!!

Shopping, Dodgeball, Canning, and Water

Here are some things. That's right- some things.

Homecoming- formal or informal/Prom dress shopping freaks me out. Last Friday night I took Audrey and Luke to Des Moines to look for an outfit for Homecoming. Ballard's is informal but nonetheless as soon as Audrey was in the changing room, I started texting both my sister and a friend. Why do I do this alone? Why can't I arrange a group shopping event? We found a couple cute dresses and a necklace. For shoes, I suggested she wear cowboy boots with the dress because I think it would be darling. She thinks not. As far as I know she might be going barefoot. Apparently I've upped my stamina and can shop for about eighty percent of the outfit in one day now. We find the clothes and either the jewelry or the shoes but not the entire thing. I've got two more years to get it down. 

Luke had to come with us because Bill and Ben had a youth group party. Luke is a good shopping participant because he generally gets special treats like his own bottle of pop, maybe a toy and gets to play the iPad while Audrey is in the dressing room. He's a very good sport until the last half hour. Then his goal is to get us out of the store as fast as possible. This is usually motivated by the fact that he hasn't gotten his toy yet and Target closes at ten but I'd rather take him than Ben any day. 

Back to Bill and Ben. The youth group event involved pizza and dodgeball. This is the text conversation Bill sent us while we were shopping.

Bill came home with athletic tape wrapped around one fingertip. Ben was fine. 

Speaking of stamina, I have two days a year of canning in me. Maybe three tops. Last week I canned 6 half pints of candied jalapeños, 12 pints of red salsa, 4 pints of green tomato salsa, and 2 1/2 pints of green tomato pickles. The jalapeños were one day and the rest were another day. I'm so proud of my efforts. I listen for each melodic pop as the jars cool and seal and then later cradle the jars as if I'm some sort of preserving champion. Then, just like that, I'm done with canning. As in so done that I can't get rid of the fruit flies, giant pots and pans, canning paraphernalia, and dirty towels fast enough. And I have air conditioning! Serious kudos to all the women who canned quarts upon quarts of everything without air conditioning.

In other accomplishments, I flooded our laundry room earlier this week. I had turned on the water in the laundry room sink to soak the boys' riding clothes and walked away because it takes a while to fill up. As duly noted, it does not take an hour plus to fill the sink unless you want to count how many towels you have and see if the basement storage room is water-tight. It's not.

In fact, not only is our storage closet not water tight, neither is the rest of the basement. In a separate incident but still within the same 24 hours, Audrey commented to me (on her way out the door in the early am because once again, eleventh grade is busy) that the carpet in her hallway was squishy and that she could see her footprint in it. This prompted Ben to comment the same thing about the carpet by his bedroom door. Bill bolted out of bed and discovered that the sump pump and the battery back up pump both failed and we now had a water sensory play area covering portions of our basement.

In a matter of hours my sister and Valor and a friend were over helping me as Bill managed the sump pump situation. People, my husband is a pro at this kind of stuff. He really shines at analyzing a problem, coming up with the solution and executing it all without emotional breakdown. Beth and Jenn boxed our basement belongings swiftly while Valor held open doors, rode the plastic tractor in the garage, and carried in some lunch groceries. 

To the boys, having the basement void of any obstructions, otherwise known as furniture, is basically the best thing ever. Too bad three dehumidifiers and many fans were floating and drying out the carpet. I daresay if you are going to be building soon and have the necessary means, leave one large room free of anything other than carpet. Your kids would be more than entertained. It's been one of Ben's biggest complaints about our house- it has furniture. Also entertaining for them is the fact that the boys are sleeping in the camper until we can be back into the basement. Audrey has commandeered Luke's room.

I would like to say that I handled the whole ordeal gracefully and with a cheery smile but really I was buffeted around most of the day. I've still got a heaping helping of pride that my friends knocked right through. I don't give myself enough grace when it comes to handling my now noticed shortfalls. On my run this morning, I was about to lament all this  over again to God when He grabbed my heart and said "So what? I know all this and I still love you. You are always in relationship with me even when you don't feel like you have been. I am still here. I am always faithful. That is who I am."  

My sister called today to see how things were going and I said I hadn't flooded anything today so it was looking good.

There ya go, friends. Have a good and, hopefully, dry day.   

So Now We Ski

About a month ago, 3M offered a family deal for a day of skiing at Seven Oaks in Boone. Except for Audrey, who had a band contest, our schedule was clear for us to go. We invited a friend of Ben's to come along. Ben and Luke had never been skiing before so we figured this was a great time and place to introduce them to it. I had been skiing once, but that was back in high school and honestly I couldn't remember the actual skiing part either so it was a good introduction for me as well.

Ben's friend has skied quite a bit and had his own gear which was quite nice since getting the four of us fitted with boots and skis is an ordeal the first time around! 

We let the boys go on their own. Gage taught Ben and was patient while Ben got the hang of it. 

I caught Ben once at the top of the practice hill and that was probably the last time I saw him until the end of the day.

Bill stuck with Luke and taught him. Bill had gone skiing during college with The Salt Co, in Colorado so he was a good to go. I should have stuck with him, but decided to try my luck with the instructors. Here's what I learned: three different ways to get up if you fall down. Awesome. So I got myself to the top of the practice hill, decided it was trial by fire and went for it. I didn't need my "how to get up lessons" until later that day when I attempted a regular hill.

Anyway, back to Luke. The beginner way of learning to control your speed and stopping is directing your skis in a pizza wedge. You can see Luke demonstrate this very well. In fact, we now call this Luke's signature move. You can spot him coming down by the toes in, elbows up, hands down. It's automatic- like airplane landing gear (sort of).

 Seven Oaks also has a hill for tubing and I took Luke down a few times before the day was over. For him, this was the best part of the day. The whole process- how they hook the tube up the tow rope and you ride your tube to the top, the "half pipe" you slide down to release the tube from the tow rope and the "G's" you must be pulling as you fly down the hill. Luke said he thought he was going about 12 G's! 

We definitely had a good first experience and it snowballed from there. 

When we got home, we discussed more skiing options and suggested going somewhere for Spring Break which was in two weeks or so.

We are all in love with the North Shore of Minnesota. Even though there are other beautiful places in the U.S. to visit, we can't get away from the North Shore. We've now visited three years in a row but it no one ever complains about going there. This time we were going to try it in a different season. Lutsen Mountains and the rental companies were offering some good deals on multiple day stays and lift tickets. Bill ended up finding us a gigantic house for a great price. We don't really need a space this big but there was no other reasonable option, so okay, it'll do. 

The interior of this house was all pine with a smidge of stone. Pine flooring. Pine paneling. Pine furniture. It was adorable in a large pine tree sense. I felt a little like Goldilocks in the three bears house.

We spent our first night hanging out and relaxing. I wrote the blog post about the Leprechaun 10k before diving into Sophie Hudson's A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet. Book review: If you want good story telling with a Southern twang that all have a huge dose of humor (laughing myself into tears in one chapter), a huge amount of tenderness and love for dear people in your life (crying and deeply reflecting in many, many parts) and a realness that is so tangible this could very well be snippets of your own life, then you would enjoy this delightful book.

Audrey cuddled up with her own book. Notice the giant pine everything?

And Bill taught the boys to play poker. It didn't take on them as they didn't ask to play it any other time. Probably because Ben won. 

 The next day, after we rented all the appropriate gear, then purchased some more gear, bought and secured all the lift tickets, we took a nap. Because that was again, an ordeal. It wasn't hard- but we are still novices. Only Bill knew a thing or two and the rest of us had to learn all of the lingo and so forth.
Alright- we didn't nap. Ben would have none of the napping. We were here to ski so let's get to skiing. We practiced a bit more on their practice slope before heading up Ullr Mountain where we stayed the rest of the day trying different slopes. Audrey had a pretty good wipeout and we were thankful she had a helmet. She skied a bit more then called it a day. We were worn out but not any less enthusiastic about our new adventure.

This was the gearing up scene for the next two days. 

We didn't all ski together all the time. Bill spent time with each of the kids, helping them gain confidence and skill. I stayed with whoever was leftover. We all took one run down Moose Mountain but only Ben found it thrilling. The rest of us decided it was a little too much for us even though we all did it and we headed back on the gondola while Bill and Ben stayed to ski more runs. 
The way my children learn and respond to things is so amazing to see and at the same time so typical of them (in good ways). Ben: must learn, must master, must go up and down as many times as possible. We are here to ski, so ski we will. Luke: timid at first. Has to be patiently coaxed. His "sensations" first start out with scared and eventually he loves it (or he doesn't). One time, during the third day, after he had fully fallen in love with skiing, we were at the top of Eagle Mountain, just having gotten off the ski lift and were skating our way to one of the runs when Luke yells out "I can't believe this is real life!!" and then he takes off- swish, swish, swish- with all his little might.

 Audrey loves new things and she's so good at adapting to new situations without hyper-ventilating or freaking out (unlike her mom). But she does have at least one thing that causes panic in her and this trip forced her to deal with it over and over- heights. 

 Some of the chair lift rides to the top weren't so bad and then some were. The wind at the top of the mountains was bothersome to her also. She's my sweet girl who can throw out a casual "Not a fan." about certain things but then try it anyway. We only had one time where she was beside herself but then she did it. 
I'll confess- I'm a lot like her. When I was on my first chair lift ride in Boone, I was so nervous. I would seriously rather run up those hills than try something new and ski down them. It was a tremendous learning moment for me. To be brave and to try something new. When we discussed skiing as a family, I wanted to go to Lutsen because I was hoping to get a run on the Superior Hiking Trail before the race in May. They were snow-covered and I couldn't. I'm comfortable running. After a full day of skiing, I would go out for a run on a gravel road instead and it was like my body was saying to me "Now this is what I know." That's a good feeling. But I never would have discovered that had I not tried something new. Had I not decided to be an adventurer. To be brave. 

I heard this from Jon Acuff in a podcast and it has stuck with me.

"Bravery involves a lot more crying and wanting to throw up than people want to admit."

It might seem I'm making this a bit more dramatic than what it is- a black diamond out of a bunny hill- so to speak. After all, this is just skiing and people do it all the time. It's just that it fits. Can you relate at all?

    

So here we are all sunshine and smiles and ski gear and to quote Luke "I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS REAL LIFE!!" 

Where would you suggest we ski next?

No Excuses for Lent

I don't know about you, but I didn't grow up observing Lent.

Lent was for the Catholics and all I knew was they had fish on Fridays. 

We celebrated Easter. The death and resurrection of Christ. Sure, we dyed our hard-boiled eggs with Grandma on Good Friday and then hunted for those same eggs hidden all over Grandpa's yard along with receiving Easter baskets on Sunday but I always knew what Easter meant.

But fast forward a bunch of years and I'm now just scratching the surface of Lent and what it is and how it is meant to prepare our hearts to celebrate even more the eternal life giving gift of Christ's sacrifice.

Celebrate. That is one of my words this year. To celebrate. 

Let me be honest. 

I don't feel like I can say yes to one more thing. I'm already failing at a lot. Menu planning the last couple of weeks- down the drain. Connecting with real live people- hmm, not so good. Guard your yeses and your no's will take care of themselves. Except that is the worst thing in the whole wide world. Why would I say no to having a closer relationship to Jesus? 

I also have a giant defiant streak, so part of me is all "Well, I don't have to." (I've pulled this one a lot and I think I've missed out on the richness of simple devotion.)

And being real, real honest? I can find an excuse for anything. (see above and below) "It's not good for me to fast with all the running I'm doing." Actually, that's true. Physically, it wouldn't be healthy for me to make dramatic cuts in my calorie consumption so skipping any meal is a no-go for me. (Oh my word! Just being honest, friends.)

I'm not sure where I'm going to land on this whole thing. There are other ways to fast. And even though it is Ash Wednesday, which I don't know what that means, and I had to google "when does Lent start" and it said today, I don't think its too late for me. 

In my well-honed tendency, I have taken something as simple as the idea of 'less of me, more of Him' and turned it into a big complicated task. GAH! 

I could really use this, don't you think?

So here is where I'm going to start. Reading this devotional and spending time in prayer. It's a really good place to start. 

I want to set aside the skepticism, the stubbornness, the whatever and just do this. I got here not in an abrupt manner but rather He has been leading me to this point. This is a matter of setting aside all the above because I can and I should (I've got probs and I want to love Him more). It's not an obligation. However, if I can discipline myself to run 5 days a week for 16 weeks for two races(that's one third of the year), I think I ought to give myself over to this much more important matter for forty days. 

Here are the places I've visited in the last week trying to wrap my head around this. 

Cornerstone's blog- A Glad Surrender (which I will be following their devotional)

This guide to fasting and prayer as suggested by my church

Life In Grace's post about Lent. 

A Holy Experience's Lent suggestions. It's the same every year but this year I just might make a Jesus tree. Maybe.

What about for you? What is your experience with Lent? What resources do you use? What  are you thoughts? (And if you feel like brave, what are your excuses?) 

Two New Cookies, Three Recipes

Some things never change about college kids. I'm not going to go into a full discourse but I will tell you that 1. They always think your kids are cute and fun. 2. They crave being in a real home (even if they live in an apartment). 3. They love homemade food. 

I had a breakthrough myself. I didn't make any new recipes to try out on them! This probably isn't something you consider blog-worthy and it kind of isn't except in my case. I almost always make something that I've never made before when having people over. Its kind of a big deal in my recipe world. 

Hang on, before you yawn and turn away, I'll share with you what I did make.  

I made one of those cookies pictures above… and another one.
But I thought you said…

It's getting complicated here.

I made chocolate chip cookies and chocolate peanut butter cookies for the girls. Both of which were not first timers for me. But in the picture above, which I made for high school small group leaders, it was a first time for each of those.

Follow?

Sorry.

All of the following recipes are from Annie's Eats. 

White Chocolate Chunk Macadamia Nut Cookies- I used regular white chocolate chips. I didn't use any coconut flavoring but I think it would taste awesome with it added. These tasted good the first day but the flavors really melded together nicely the second day.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Cookies- I have been craving chocolate peanut butter cups lately. This is not my norm. But this recipe looked so yummy and as it turns out, really is yummy so I made it again. 

Thick and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies- Ben is okay with me occasionally making a different kind of cookie but if I stray too long away from a plain chocolate chip cookie, he gets grumpy. These cookies don't disappoint. 


As a testament of the yumminess of these cookies, the girls took home extras for the ones who couldn't make it or themselves. I hope you enjoy these too! 

A Friday Five- In Complete Sentences

Must. blog. Think. in. complete. sentences.

1. I bought Luke a set of red Solo cups. He is elated. They are for stacking and playing with, people. 

2. We are all better-ish. Audrey still has a cough but it isn't keeping her home from school or speech or pep band or play practice or student council or church. 

3. I'm running outside through all of this weather we are having in Iowa. With a couple of warm days, read that as anything near or above 30 degrees, I have overheated from too many layers. Not such a bad problem to have.

4. Ben is a super fast snow shoveler. I'm not sure how he is so fast. I guess he shovels snow like he rides dirt bikes. 

5. We had a group of Salt girls over last Monday for the evening. They were a delight and it was so much fun to hear their ambitions and struggles. They got a little happy-sighy when they heard how Bill and I met. We got a little older when we heard they were born the year we met ('93). 

Well, I better stop now. It looks like I completed a few full sentences and I don't want to push my luck. Have a great weekend. 

Sole Hope Party

How should I say this delicately? My friend, Kate, loves to cut. I know!! 

She loves to cut out things with scissors!! Phew!

You're probably having the same reactions to her obsession as I did. At first, it's kind of awkward and weird. Then, it's funny. But when you see what she did with her discovery, I hope you'll also find it wonderful.

She hosted a Sole Hope party.

Essentially, Sole Hope is an organization that provides shoes to African children who's feet are infested with jiggers. There is a couple of videos on their website that you should take a few minutes to watch. 

Sole Hope's working model is to take our abundance here: yards of fabric we have accumulated in our crafting/non-crafting moments,

old jeans we will probably throw out,

and emptied milk jugs that we maybe recycle along with old tires and inner tubes and turn them into shoes! 

I have looked for ways to re-purpose worn out jeans on Pinterest and there is nothing on there that compares with this!

After watching the video, Kate briefly explained our jobs for the night. We traced patterns with Sharpie markers on the jeans and then cut them out. 

The jean pieces are used to make either the inside support of a fabric covered shoe or as a denim shoe itself.

Hacking into pairs of old jeans was a little daunting at first but went quickly enough.

The same pattern is traced onto fabric but with a ball point pen since Sharpie would bleed when wet and cut with pinking shears.

The fabric part was a little slower because of the cutting detail. You must cut to the line but not on it, sort of like a seam allowance, and pinking shears are just not as nimble as regular fabric shears.

The milk jugs (oh, there's a picture of some milk jugs in the corner of this picture just in case you forgot what they look like!) are also cut to make heels.

Then all the individual parts are assembled together into pairs of shoes. This was the assembly/control room. 

You'll have to go to the website to see what the sewn together shoe looks like but here are a few shoe parts all done. They will be sent off to Uganda where Sole Hope has trained widows to sew them together. 

This group of ladies cut parts for over 35 shoes in just a few short hours!

This is my friend, Kate, in the blue with her mom. Kate would rather be cutting that pose for a picture but I can tell you that her heart was absolutely bursting with happiness for being able to do something she loves and sharing it with her friends and loving on others. Bursting!

While these shoes use all found materials, there is still a cost involved and money is always welcomed. 

From all that I can tell, Sole Hope is on the right path. They weren't just emotionally moved to what they saw in Africa but answered yes to a tough and life changing decision. The model of seeing strengths and capabilities of the widows and others, coming alongside to teach and help them provide for themselves and others- not just giving a handout of shoes- LOVE that! Using resources we already have- AWESOME! A way to help without feeding our own consumerism- THE BEST!!

So what can you do?

Get onto their website and read through it. 

Host a Sole Hope party.

Donate money.

On this page, there are 4 other ways to get involved if you want to.

If you're on Instagram or Twitter follow them. Right now if you re-post/re-tweet with #cultivategives and #solehope, $1 is given to Sole Hope.

Kate, when you told me you loved to cut, well, I thought it perfectly you. Why not? God has gifted us all differently and this is your dealio. Thank you for letting us share it with you.

A Thankful I Didn't Know I Wanted

One small yes early this year has shaped my entire year and dare I say, the rest of my life. 

It's a yes that, as I found out, some aren't willing to agree to but I did and I'm so thankful.

I am thankful for a young girl who found herself pregnant while being at the mercy of others and chose to give her baby life and to keep her. She wants for her daughter what she didn't have and whether that can actually happen, well I'm praying it does.
The odds are stacked against her from what I can tell except for the very fact that she didn't quit school and finished with a full high school degree. As I handed her the commencement program with her name in it, I told her teen moms don't do that. I told her it is a momentous thing not just for herself but also for her baby's future. I am thankful that God has created her to do such a thing.

I am thankful for a school that does not give up on kids like her. There are teachers, administration, nurses and others that handle it all. Plain and simple, I am thankful for our school. 

I am thankful for the conversations I've had with my dad. Just like me, he's working through his prejudices. It's not easy work. To step away from the safety of a well-worn thought, dare to believe that this one might be different than the stereotype and stuff the whole thing up with grace, well that's not like us. But here's the deal- we, him, her, me- we are all the same. Broken. And I cannot not offer her what was offered me. And I can't wait for her to jump through some hoop because I couldn't lift my baby toe if I tried. "While we were still sinners..."

I am thankful for the body of believers. A simple email, a couple of phone calls and every need was met. Some were so eager, they gave up their afternoon to provide immediately. Others asked for more and I handed them some dirty laundry. Washing the feet mostly requires a person willing to get down low. 

I am thankful to be able to connect with a neighbor. It was just a short conversation but meant so much. When you're in the thick of things, you need to talk your crazy out and you need to listen to other's stories and she did that for me.

As crazy as this sounds, I am thankful for the system. Don't take me wrong, I very much want her out of the system. But from where I look for her, Thank God! She received care and services that she would have otherwise not had. I don't need to highlight the drawbacks because they are self-evident but the fact is it does help.

I am thankful to have this whole thing turn me inside out. I have questions and I want answers. And just when I've pounded my fist and demanded answers from Him and an immediate showing of all this, He asks me how long I've been journeying and healing and, good grief, if I have taken this long, shouldn't I give her some time as well? This stuff- it's for the ego-bursting.

This isn't all. There's more thankful then I can spell out. There's more in almost every conversation with her. There's more when I wrestle with the whole thing. There isn't a simple answer. And just when I've come to an answer, it shifts slightly when settling and I'm back to adjusting my questions. There's thankful when I gather up all the hope I can hold and stick the whole thing back in His face. I'm left with a pile of hope, a mound of grace, a messed up life and overflowing gratitude I didn't know I wanted.     

Cinnamon Pull Apart Bread and Marshmallows

I want to write something deep about some things that have been stirring in my soul for a while. About some things that I have wrestled with and have rocked my world once I started taking hold of them. That kind of writing is going to require me to sit and sit and think and tap out and backspace and walk away and come back and down a cup of coffee. Sort of like the scene in You've Got Mail when Tom Hanks is working on the perfect reply to Meg Ryan as to why he stood her up the night before. Except I'm hoping my would be deeper than that.

That kind of writing, however, is not going to happen tonight and I'll tell you why.

It is Thursday night. I have had ten minutes to sit at my computer and somehow that is just long enough to convince myself I can tap out a quick blog post. I remember daily I have a blog and also that I haven't written anything, so if you think I've forgotten, I haven't. Today has been my calmest day of the week. I think. I had Bible study this morning. Bible study now involves me picking up Mama B and Baby K and taking them to church so Mama B can work in the nursery for two hours. She calls it one of her jobs. (Including this one, she now has three. All three occur during the day hours although if you ask her about one shift of one day, she calls it the night shift because she works starting past noon.) Chaos surrounds her. She gets in the car and dumps. I don't know why. Is it because I'm the first outside person she can talk to? Is it because that's what a person so lost in themselves does, not once thinking of me and wondering how I'm doing? I don't know. It's not my decision to make. But I do secretly cry out about the chaos that surrounds her. It makes me laugh out loud sometimes at how ridiculous it all is and yet she can't/won't or is somehow unable to escape it, save for Christ. So I share with her the gospel over and over. She needs Jesus. From where I sit, He is what she needs. So I pray even more and I beg you to continue to pray.

Later on I mop the floor. This is nothing compared to someone knowing Jesus and the God math should always win out but for some unknown reason, I was granted an entire afternoon home, alone, with me and my mop. If I die tomorrow, please know I went out with a semi-clean floor. It's how happy I feel about being able to mop my floor. 

On Wednesday I let Ben sleep in because he had an orthodontist appointment in the middle of the morning. In fact, he skipped school altogether because it was an early out. He was very happy about that. We instead filled our time after the appointment with a little bit of clothes shopping (in a sports store, so he mostly didn't die), grabbing a cup of coffee for me and a big cookie for him and then buying him a hermit crab. It's his third one. After doing a little bit of reading, Ben thinks the first two croaked because we didn't give them enough space to be a hermit crab. I have no idea but now I need to find a 10 gallon tank because that's apparently enough room for one. On the ortho note, Ben will eventually have to have braces as he has an overbite that keeps getting worse instead of better. The good thing is that Bill is very involved in Ben's orthodontics. He gets up from his chair and asks all the questions. Ben is second generation braces on Bill's side.

I don't remember much of Tuesday. I think I did stuff during the day. Like maybe start laundry, which was finally all folded and put away today (so again, if I go, know that Bill has enough undershorts to get him through a week but then someone help out and do a load or two please). Oh, yes, Tuesday. I asked Bill out for a lunch date. We ate at House of Chen. I ordered the Chicken Pad Thai and the Hot and Sour Soup. He got the Honey Shrimp and the Egg Drop Soup. 

It's my week to drive the youngest kids in our little carpool to their school. The drive takes about ten minutes. Four boys: 1 early kindergartener, 1 kindergartener, 2 second graders. The drive is somethin' else, I tell ya. Here's the conversation I overheard Tuesday morning. 

LW: "My mom made cinnamon pull apart bread yesterday."LH: "Actually, all bread can be pulled apart."DH: "Yeah, that's right!"CH: "I have marshamallows in my lunch." 

That right there, my friends, is good logic. 

In a very longish way, that's how I'm getting to my what 2 eat. I made cinnamon pull apart bread Monday afternoon because somewhere between helping a friend move stuff into her new art studio and all the rest of life, I thought it a good idea. I originally pinned Joy the Baker's recipe but ended up using Pioneer Woman's recipe, which is her cinnamon roll recipe, which by the way baffles me. I have no idea how only stirring milk, yeast, sugar and flour and then letting it sit an hour only to add baking powder and baking soda in at the end is able to produce a dough that is immediately usable as bread dough. It goes against all my years of bread making. But if you are new to bread making or now have your interest piqued by my description of her method, then you should give Ree's recipe a try. And if you aren't up for it now, go for the marshmallows. 

Coming Out Even in the End

Last night I tucked in bed a sad boy because our basketball game was quickly interrupted and we couldn't finish it. My tucking him in was also wedged in between trying to read to him a few pages and having a mama sit upstairs waiting for conversation to help brighten her night before she headed off to work. 
I plopped on the couch, feeling defeated. "When does the God math work out?" I wondered to myself. I've pondered this idea many times in the course of the last year, especially.
"God math" is my term for laying down your life for what really matters. The important but seemingly non-urgent things. It means giving up self. It also means that sometimes other things get set aside. But I'm telling you, for my life, sometimes those lesser important things pile up and I can't handle the undone-ness. 

So here's the thing. I prayed for this for me and my family. He's answering. It looks like this. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13.

It's what I will point my children to. It is holding out the word of life to those who don't know it. It's spending an afternoon visiting with a young mom who needs to be assured that she is doing this mom thing right and that chaos doesn't have to follow her. It is listening to someone talk their crazy out, because heaven knows I've done that. It's playing with a little boy who thinks the world of you instead of getting in your own game. It's inconvenient and time-consuming. It's worth it. 

One of my favorite children's series is the Frances books. In Bread and Jam for Frances, she makes her lunch come out even in the end. Bites of this and bites of that, until it is all evenly gone.
Even though I so desperately want it to work out now it will always feel undone until heaven. There it will all make sense. The parts I don't get now will fit together in His plan. It will give Him glory. 

This isn't what I thought I would post about today. It probably doesn't make any sense but thanks for reading as I typed my crazy out. 

I decided I'd share just a little bit more. She could use some prayer. Our relationship hit a rocky spot at the end of May. I took a break. I saw how God did use me in several ways in her life. I learned a lot. By His goodness we have spent a bit of time together recently. I would love to share some pictures of her and her baby as watching them is powerful but I can't. She is worth more than an ego boost in doing good and is not a sideshow attraction.

Another mom can also use your prayers. When the land of milk and honey, of opportunity, has been opened to you, is it just to fill your pockets and line your bellies or is there more? What she was unable to do and to provide for her young children, she can now but she needs to know it's not because of location, it's because of Him.

This is where my heart is at. This isn't always where my body is at. I'm tired and the mostly non-important piles are accumulating and the most important things (people) are just wanting some Mom time and I need strength for both. It will all come out even in the end. 

Tell me, where you are undone and uneven and how I can pray and encourage you?

Brave Back to School

Ben- 5th, Luke- 2nd, Audrey- 10th grade

This morning I woke up and told Bill "I can't believe school is starting today." For me there was no build-up of anxiety. It was just like any other day: wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed then go to school. Even missing was Audrey's wardrobe/hair drama because student council was required to wear their BSC shirts. (Audrey's not wearing her's yet for some reason that I don't care to figure out why because she'll resolve it herself.) While I'm glad that there isn't the aforementioned drama, I'm just a little sad that there isn't a cute outfit.

I snapped the standard back to school picture in which they all participated in willingly and then turned to Bill and pretended to cry which suddenly turned into real tears. I don't know why. All summer long, I've felt as though I've fought to adjust to having them home and now here, ten minutes from them starting school, I'm putting away the toaster and I kind of don't want it to happen. It's moments like these that remind me I am a mother.

This morning I knew of four other mothers who were sending a child off to school for the first time. They couldn't help but cry. It's not just starting school. It's new beginnings in life: starting school, first sleepover, first solo driving, first trip somewhere, graduation, starting college, getting married... I have come to terms that I will be a crying mess at every single one of those events. 

As I was praying with a couple of other moms, God brought to mind this truth: He cares for my children way more than I do. I said it allowed and let it sink in. Because this is so true, I am called to do one thing: trust.

Brave trust.

It's a new phrase of mine. 

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16 

Brave trust that approaches the throne. Brave trust that touches grace and laps at mercy. Brave trust that it is He who brings about all things for His purposes and perfects us for His glory. 

May you step in brave trust today.