A Bigger Last Time

Audrey is a senior and since graduation is essentially a month away we've begun the firsts of the lasts. Actually all year has been a series of little lasts. Last first day of school, last marching band, last pep band, last musical, last play, last something or other. but this afternoon a red-faced, watery-eyed daughter made her way upstairs because tonight was the last time her church small group would meet together for the school year and she would not be a part of it as a student after this. This was a bigger last time.

After some spectacular teenage feelings (they can be big at times) and a good sit on the back of her car listening to moody music, I beckoned her to come out to the garden and just be with me. Her dad was doing some extra special work for me and I was digging in a fair amount of compost and peat moss and really, there's nothing better to soothe one's feelings than a good dusting of garden soil and the ear splitting sound of a drill into metal. After that, she summoned the mental and emotional strength to play a little catch with her brothers (and then I had all the big feelings).

It's a bit hard to wrangle one's thoughts and feelings in the kind of days we are now walking. After getting on her reminding her about her laundry (Dear Lord, the laundry. Amen.) I pulled her aside for a few thoughts. 

I told her that this is what she had been working towards for the last seven years in youth group and small group and that God has been faithful in all these years. I borrowed from this morning's message of excitement, fear and gratitude and showed her that the same holds true for her. She is so excited for college and the next part of her life (journey, path, all the hip words). She is fearful. You don't show up for college knowing how to do college. I told her to be honest with the other girls in small group about this. Don't we all believe that somehow, if we could just get to this X marks the spot place, life would be smooth going and then we get there and there is still fear and still faith to step out on? Yup. So ask the girls to pray for her to be bold and courageous. And then there is gratitude. I didn't have to explain this aspect to her.

Then I shared from my recent readings in Matthew 8 and gave her three more words. Faith, obey and unbelief. These were my simplified thoughts of the stories in that chapter. Again, returning to faith- believe. The man with leprosy. The centurion with the sick servant. They had a lot to lose (fear) but their faith in Jesus saved them. Obey- Almost all of us usually want some perfectly scripted scenario played out before us in a vision, dream or text with cute emoji's but Jesus tells us to obey. Read the Word. Do what it says. There are so many questions teenage girls ask and want to know and want to know the will of God and pursue God and on and on (I love them bunches.) but, goodness, the answer is usually to obey. "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what is says." James 1:22. Finally, the opposite of faith and obedience is also true- unbelief. The last scene we are left with in Matthew 8 shows the townspeople driving Jesus away because their fear lead to them unbelief instead of faith. That can be true of us, as well.

Those things said, I gave her another encouraging, understanding hug and let her get her thoughts settled before leaving for small group. 

Working on Work

Hey, there! Audrey happened to mention the other day that my last post was in 2015. Yes, I know. I know!! Can someone stop this crazy train so I can blog? No? Fine. Again, I make no promises or guarantees. I'm here now and being in the present, the here, the now is a big theme these days so let's just roll with it. (P.S. I really hate giving that little speech over and over again. This might be my last apology.)

Well, stuff has been happening over here. It turned into a whole new year a couple months ago, however before I catch you up with stories and pictures, I wanted to share my word of the year. My word for last year was engage. It always amazes me that a word pops into my head and heart and I can be reminded to look for it and seek it out throughout the entire year. I never had a face to face confrontation with a crazed waiting in line customer but I don't count that as a failure. I looked for it, prayed for it and God showed me engagement in friendships and relationships. 

This year the word that comes to mind is work. It could be that since Audrey is graduating and there will be a party here, I know that I will have to put some hustle into some projects. It could be that for me to get to the next level of running will require me to dig in and put some major work down. It could be that some outstanding projects from last year required me to buckle down and finish them up since many people were relying on me and to not finish them would be disastrous. But I think, more deeply, the reason for the word work is that I constantly find both in people and in myself the strong draw of the easy, quick fix, minimal work solution. It is what I want in pretty much every situation. 

Don't you? I mean, there are lists of life hacks and quick fixes and lists of 2-5 ingredient recipes and 24.37 days of the best moves for the awesomest abs and for dropping twenty pounds and six phone apps for being the best Christian ever. I've seen, read, torn out of magazines and downloaded them. Don't get me wrong. There's (mostly) nothing wrong with them but what it boils down to in the end, when all the shiny newness has worn off is work. You still have to do. 

That's just a macro-look at things but there are so many smaller choices I make that are really just lazy. I'm asking the Lord to show me where I need to choose work over avoidance. Since I like to swallow things whole, I tend to take on the whole universe and try to champion it and in return feel overwhelmed and then run even further away. I don't really have a plan for that other than to recognize that that is my tendency and then to start chipping away at the pieces right in front of me.  

I am in constant progress but I am not dissatisfied with who I am and want a whole new me. From time to time, I am swayed from that truth and then am easily suckered into looking for the new trick to get me right again. My confidence, hope and salvation are found only in Christ and His saving work. This is the "anchor for my soul". From there, I work.   

"Sheesh", you say, "So deep." Well, I have had a couple months already to think about it and look for it. This might be the first and last time you hear about my word of the year but just know, I'm working on work. 

The Gift

We had glorious weather earlier this week. A parent chose to drive their car with the top down to pick up kids from school. I saw them and despised them. Them and they're fancy top-down car. Who are they anyway?

And then it struck me how my heart was so evil over such a nice thing to be able to have and to be able to do.

He was despised and rejected by men...He was like someone people turned away from; He was despised, and we didn't value Him. Isaiah 53:3

 I've often pridefully thought that if I had been there in Jerusalem three thousand years ago, I wouldn't have turned against Jesus. I wouldn't have shouted with the mob "Crucify Him!!". But in that moment when my own sin flared up before me I knew I was a part of the crowd. 

But He was pierced because of our transgressions, crushed because of our iniquities; punishment for our peace was on Him, and we are healed by His wounds. Isaiah 53:5

Today is the day we wrestle with the truth. It's heart versus heart. Jesus came for this very reason. Of all the days, this is The Day.

And this is also The Gift. 

This is where it doesn't make sense. We'll work to justify it, to reason it out but it always comes out lopsided. It was meant to be that way and it makes it even more beautiful.

You could again turn and despise it but don't. 

Come, everyone who is thirsty, come to the waters; and you without money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost! Seek the Lord while He may be found; call to Him while he is near. Let the wicked one abandon his way and the sinful one his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, so He may have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will freely forgive. Isaiah 55:1, 6-7

 

Joe Fox and Engage

I wrote this back in December but never finished it. The lesson I learned that day has stuck with me and it was time to finish it and share it with you.

Today I stood in line at a bookstore and witnessed a scene that made me sad. Actually it made me mad. Really mad.

I had popped into the bookstore to grab a couple of magazines to read during an upcoming road trip. I noticed there was a line to the cashiers and hoped it would dwindle by the time I was ready to check out. As it turns out, the line had not only not dwindled it had in fact gotten longer. I took my place in the queue and perused the impulse items. I noticed that the line was incredibly quiet and no one seemed to be engaging in any small talk. (As you remember from my 50k race, I like to indulge in the small talk now and then.) My wait was a little over five minutes before I reached the cashiers and was third in line.

It was then that a woman caught my attention, really all of our attentions. She was voicing her frustration that a busy bookstore with more than enough employees to wander around (and apparently bothering her) asking if she needed help couldn't seem to get a clue that maybe they should put some of those employees on more registers. She really laid into the guy while simultaneously saying it wasn't his fault but the manager's and also that this was the only bookstore in town so she had to shop there. She turned to the woman next to her and apologized saying it just had to be said. The cashier muttered a few things to her but that did not appease her. I believe she huffed out of the store but I don't really know as I think I might have momentarily passed out from anger, shock and disbelief that that really just happened. 

My mind reeled with what to do with the whole thing. Indeed, there was a line and we all were witness to the whole scene and the tension was thick. I could crack a joke but what would I say? Should I sing? We all know the best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loudly for all to hear. All it would take would be one zinger and we would all feel better and have put her in her place. Or something. As it turned out, I ended up being checked out by the same guy and I didn't say much. I was as kind as I could be, said thank you and gave him a smile. He was obviously still upset. I had planned on grabbing a coffee on the way out and decided he needed one as well. I told the woman serving me that whatever the cashier liked to drink I would buy for him. They had heard the whole thing also. I told them that no one ever should be treated like that and that if you are going to go shopping on December 23 you should expect to stand in lines. They said I was the best customer of the day and I said I wasn't.

I told the world via Facebook how it should be. But even that has made me sad. I spent the rest of the afternoon fuming and thinking about the whole thing and a few things finally came to mind.

For one, I really, really wish I had spoke directly to that cashier about the situation or at least said something more. I have been under scrutiny with an audience before and it is a hot feeling to have yourself be laid open like that. You desperately want out but what would help in the meantime is to know that someone is on your side. I can't speak for the other people in line, but I did not feel the same way as that woman. By not speaking directly to him, I feel like I conveyed I was on Team Impatient.

Secondly, I wish, wish, wish I had thought of how to diffuse the situation in the middle of it. I wish I had Joe Foxed it today. 

While this scene isn't directly related, its what played over in my mind while thinking through today. And what I mean by Joe Foxed it (my own made up term) is I wish I could have engaged the woman right there. It took me a good couple of hours to come up with what I wish I would have done, which was to start talking to that woman about what she was buying and whom the book was for and other such non-confrontational conversations. 

Engage seems to be one of the words being impressed upon me for this year. At first I thought that it would mean to seek out new relationships and get all up in them. But right now, over a month into 2015 and longer since this bookstore scene, God has shown me a little differently. I'm leaving my definition of engage a little more open and allowing Him to guide me through. 

Kingdom Cares International, Part 1

It's been a long while since I last wrote about Kingdom Cares International but that doesn't mean nothing has been going on. In fact, with the gifts and monies that have been contributed over the last years, much has been happening and God has shown himself to the people of Asikuma, Ghana and beyond.

Jake and Janel, along with two other couples including one of Audrey's small group leaders recently traveled to Africa. Janel is starting to recap their trip on her blog Team-Sullivan.

If you are like me, you need a bigger perspective today. As with me, I need to pull out from my tiny corner of the world where I am caught up in the everything of life and see God working out His details all around the world. Head over to Team-Sullivan for more. 

Favorites

Here are some favorite things in my life lately. Foods I've tried, things I've listened to and recommend, books I've read, or just plain I really like these. Hope you enjoy this new (and hopefully here to stay) series.

Candied Jalapeños -In my Instagram feed this past summer someone posted a recipe for pimento cheese spread and topped it with candied jalapeños. It took me a while to save up enough jalapeños from my garden to make a half batch but I did. Oh my! I'm equal parts happy I made them and sad that I only made half a batch. We only have one jar (1/2 pint) left! This next year I will definitely put in more jalapeños plants. Put them on a cracker with a slice of cheese or the aforementioned pimento cheese spread. Pile 'em on a burger. I'm drooling just thinking about them.

More Run Hoodie- Ha! The moment popped up in my Instagram feed, I gasped out loud and told Bill I wanted it for Christmas. I put it on my Pinterest board, got him signed up for Pinterest, and maybe even sent him the link for it directly. You know that fine line between here's what I'd like to see under the tree, hint*hint*hint, and here's what I know will be under the tree? I think I crossed it. Especially when I picked up the mail and I grabbed package with a big return address label emblazoned with Run Pretty Far on it. Not sad at all.   

Crock Pot Maple Dijon Pork Chops -Who cares how I found these? These are delicious. And very easy. You can brown the chops and soften the onion on the stove first (I do) but you don't have to. (That's a major pet peeve of mine- here cook all of this food on the stove first and then throw it in the slow cooker. People, the point of a slow cooker is to do the work for you.) Make some sweet potatoes, green beans, or another veggie to pile on your plate and watch it all disappear. It does every time at my house.

Cornerstone Church's teaching series online -We've been asked if we miss church with our bike racing and the answer is yes, we miss church. When we first started racing, there was a Saturday night service but currently there is not. However, we can still hear the messages online or through the app on your phone, which is how I listen to them. There are over 30 message series online alone. Maybe you'd like to read through a book of the Bible but would like some guidance along the way. Or you need to fill your ears and mind and heart with more Truth, try these, please. 

Green Smoothies -A long time ago, I posted that I would try a kale and avocado smoothie. Then I reported back that it didn't go so well. Since then, I added spinach to quite a few smoothies but always laced it with berries. Then I came across these three and collected the ingredients to try them. Here's my take on them.

1. Green Protein Power- tangerines, spinach, pineapple, cashews, chia seeds, flaxseed oil. I didn't juice the tangerines separately, just threw them in whole. The rest went as directed. I couldn't place the taste as one particular thing but the smoothie was good. There was a little texture to it due to the cashews but it wasn't crunchy or disturbing. I will make it again.

2. Ultimate Green Smoothie- avocado, banana, parsley. To an average smoothie drinker, this list is weird. But the taste is great! It's creamy and bright flavored. I've made it twice just to make sure I liked it.

3. Sour Apple- Grape Crush- spinach, Granny Smith apple, green grapes, flaxseed oil. Maybe if I had a high-powered blender the texture could be improved since there is a lot going on but I don't. The taste is off-putting at first then grows on you, kind of like a sour candy. It's not bad but it's not for me. However, you might like it.

So there ya go. I'll try to keep the list a good mix (not all food). Let me know what you think of this new series and what you're curious about. Also, what are some of your favorites?

  

  

Superior 25k Trail Race, 2014

• If you never tried things that intimidate or scare you, you'd never see how far you could go.- Coach Amber

This is what my coach told me between my Zumbro 17 and Superior 25k races. I was nervous. I was recovering from one race. I was scared for the next. 

This Superior 25k race re-cap is a long time coming since the race was in May.

It's going to be long. I'm going to share a lot. Mostly because I don't want to forget but also because it was and is an amazing run.

This video is from a 50k runner who shared it on the race's Facebook page. The first 2:25 minutes show what I ran up to the Oberg Mtn aid station. The 50k'ers continued further down the trail before turning around while the 25k'ers turned around at the Oberg station to head back.

The race coincided on the same weekend the boys were going to Zumbro to ride their bikes. Apparently (and I do not remember this but Bill says so) I agreed that he would come with me to the Zumbro race but not necessarily the Superior race. As I mentioned, I did not remember this detail and as the race got nearer and I was planning travel logistics, Bill said he would be going to Zumbro (Theilman) to ride and not to the race with me. After much crying and so on, I asked my friend, Jenn, if she would in any way be willing to drive with me to the northern shore of Minnesota for seven hours, be left for four hours or so on her own and then drive me back another seven hours. Miraculously, she said she would love to!! For this favor and for being my dear, dear friend, I am forever in debt to her.
The weather up there is tricky. Near the shoreline it is almost always cool because of the wind off the lake but warms up significantly once away from the lake. You feel that part way up the ski road and of course it was morning. Layers, but how many and what kind? I chatted with a very chatty runner and she was going to wear a wind jacket. I had everything with me but went with what I had on. I shed my long sleeve shirt and gloves not half way up Mystery Mountain. Since I knew there was still snow on the course and not sure how much, I couldn't bring myself to not wear capris. If it had warmed up any more than it did, I would have preferred shorts. As it was, I made good clothing choices. (Seriously, months of training and I'm hooked up over what to wear?)

The race director stood on a ladder to share last minute details. The 50k racers had started earlier that morning and were reporting that there was giant, shoe-sucking mud holes with dangerous rocks in them. Awesome. Really couldn't expect anything else since the week before there was still snow up to four feet deep in some places. 

A section of the trail a week before the race

All the evening before and the morning of, I was nervous. I was trying to be cool but Jenn could totally tell. She made me go to bed but was asleep before me. She sat I while I fiddled with stuff. I couldn't bluff her. However, once I got to the starting line, I felt a strange sense of calm. I was here and I was going to do this. I held back at the start even though this time I placed myself mid-pack. I'm okay with getting passed but there is something to not starting at the back. I knew how I sort of wanted to run the start and stuck to it.

Can you spot me?

We quickly log-jammed once on the trail because of the mud. Running was down to picking through the mud. I walked only a bit because of just trying to not go out too quick but by the second mud hole, I couldn't take it anymore. There was going to be mud all over this course and there wasn't a way to avoid it. Since I had my fair share in Zumbro, I was already over it and shot up the middle and passed probably 10 people. It was a great move. I got to the first camping spot and shed my long sleeves and gloves. I remembered all the gnarly roots and rocks from Bill and my run last fall and said hello to them. Climbed some steep parts, then made it to the overlook to the southeast. That is pretty much the summit of the trail. Whooped and hollered and headed down being careful with my form. Slippery mud, slippery planks over mud. 

The second pair of shoes I trashed in two months time.

The climb up Moose Mtn was an adventure since I've never been on that section. I took it all in. One thing I noticed right away was that the smell had changed to pine. It hit me and, while not refreshing, took on a significance of its own. I always notice changes in scent on the trails. (insert farting joke)

This isn't taken at an angle. This is the angle of the trail. 

The trail was quite steep and I was sometimes face to foot with the person ahead of me. The top of Moose is so different than I expected. Grasses and less gnarly trail. I loved that section and cruised along, chatting with someone from Mpls who was with someone from Des Moines. We headed down and I made a mental note about the trail. Essentially, it wasn't going to be all that fun going back up. A long decent. I couldn't really place where the aid station was in correlation to Oberg Mtn. and the kind of elevation we encountered when my family hiked there a couple years ago. Well, it turns out that Oberg is its own little fun time of a climb.
The man I had been chatting with had passed me but was only slightly ahead of me. We came to a fork in the trail where we were to turn right. There was a big sign with trail and information about Oberg Mountain on it. He turned to look at it and tripped over the most obvious rock in the middle of the trail. He turned head over heels, tried popping up only to go back over again. It wasn't necessarily graceful but it did happen fast. He said he was okay but I've taken a tumble before (not of that magnitude) and it leaves you shaken up for a while. Trail running tip- keep your eyes on the ground.
I got to the aid station and grabbed a gel and some pretzels. I learned from Zumbro that I can shave some time off just getting in and out faster, which is something I've heard and read before as well. I decided I didn't need to hang around anymore and back in I went.
All along the trail are low sections that are covered with planks to keep one out of the water. The Spring had been unusually cold and the snow was still melting so there was a lot of standing water in the low sections. With runners bouncing across the planks, it made them wet, muddy and slippery. Plus, the planks weren't secured at both ends and so sometimes there was a teeter totter effect- me being the lightweight and a guy runner being the heavier weight. Yikes! Well this time I was crossing a plank over standing water when my right toe caught on basically nothing and I hurtled towards the water. Behind me I heard all the runners gasp as they watch me fall. But I didn't fall. I landed upright on my feet. Standing there in the water I assessed the situation and announced that that could have gone a lot worse than what it did and hopped back on the plank and kept moving!

Oh wooden planks. You look so dry and runnable here. 

As I suspected, going back up Moose was a challenge. I hit the stair section and just kept climbing. I knew they would have to end. I kept going even though my legs were on fire. It's interesting but always at the top I have to take a few more steps but then I'm ready to resume running. So I did. I didn't feel like I was flying through this section in the same way as out but kept going. The rocks and roots take on a new face when looked at from a different direction. By now my right knee is definitely making itself known. I pressed when I could. I was on the backside of things and I knew if I could make it down Moose without too much more pain, I could probably endure whatever happened on Mystery. At the top or near the top since I'm not sure exactly where that was, I knew I was finishing this and finishing it well. My mind was a party of "You're doing it!" I was going to leave it all out there even if it meant hobbling for a week after.
Early on, I had challenged myself to not walk or hike Mystery at all coming back- that I would run it. Well, as would happen, I met up with a group of people who slowed to a walk. Some of them were 50k's and I think they earned their walking. I stayed with them for a while. It turns out, my Garmin became more and more out of sync with the mileage. In my mind, I knew the race didn't have four miles more to go, but my watch said so. But I also realized uphill at that point for me was my strength. I could climb/hike/run faster than those around me, so I passed a few people and got going. Downhill was so hard. My knees were painful but I was determined to leave it all out there. I slowed down quite a bit more than I wanted too but kept going. At some points I would realize my knees didn't hurt only to have them immediately start hurting again. Mental? Several people passed me and they probably would have anyway and I tried to not let it bother me. I was still running what I thought was my best race and I wasn't going to begrudge them for wanting to get it over with as well.

I've found that during training runs I can focus enough to pray but during races I can't focus like that. Maybe it's because I want to get a "good' prayer in? Whatever. What I can do is focus on shorter things. During this section while I was trying not to think of my knee, I started on working my way through the attributes of God alphabetically. "A"- God you are Awesome. "B"- God you are Beautiful. "C"- God you are Creator. I never made it farther than "C" because I started having a little worship session in my heart and mind. The man I told you about earlier had shared with me that he was out running because he was on a spiritual journey. He was worshipping the created when he should have been worshipping the Creator. When you see a beautiful tree, sunrise, sunset, vista, or even a cloudy and blown over day with cold piercing through- its all to point to the One who created it! "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1 "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature- have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." Romans 1:20 I loved being up there, running up and down those mountains, mucking in the mud, balancing over slippery boards, testing my resolve on rocks and stairs but in my last miles back, I worshipped. I worshipped the Loving Creator who made me and all that I was experiencing.   

Poplar River is breathtaking any time of year

An interesting sensation started once I crossed the bridge until I reached the parking lot- my left (right? don't remember now) butt started feeling flabby. Sort of tingly but more like someone was taking my butt cheek and the back of my thigh and jiggling it around. I'm only believing this is a real running symptom of some kind since just about everything else I've mentioned to my coach, she's come back with an answer. Well, it stopped or I stopped paying attention to it once I hit the pavement. (My coach got back to me and said she hadn't any idea about this so now you know about my weird butt thing.) Also, running pavement after running all that trail wasn't nearly as easy as you might think. I wanted to bolt to the finish line but my body wasn't playing. I just kept going. Amazingly, I hated the finish area. It's tucked behind the condos and I really didn't know where it went. Also, there was about 10 feet of really slippery snow as you go from road to the path and that's just stupid for not clearing that. 

I finished this race in 3 hours, 44 minutes. This finish placed me about halfway for overall finishers, female finishers, and age group finishers for the 25k. I was really happy with my effort. My friend, Jenn, was there to meet me at the end and give me a huge hug. It was so nice to have her there to be my friend, cheer me on and help me out while my brain, emotions and body turned to mush.

Jenn and I

I really couldn't believe I was ran a race that I only hoped I could do one day. A race that made my stomach do flip-flops when I looked at the elevation chart. This race was my biggest dream and I did it!!

A majority of these pictures were taken from other the race or runners' sharing on the Superior Trail race Facebook page.

Superior Trail Race website and Facebook page

For the Joy

Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne. Hebrews 12:2 

Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus, who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be used for His own advantage. Instead He emptied Himself by assuming the form of a slave, taking on the likeness of men. And when He had come as a man in His external from, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death- even to death on a cross. Philippians 2:5-8

What a Savior I have. 

You suffered. You endured. You emptied. You died. 

The world's rebellion against your Father, your greatest love, was heaped upon you and you willingly took it because YOU LOVE ME! 

I do not deserve. I have not earned. 

But the cross, the tool of death, it was the instrument to life. 

This welling inside me,

You knew and endured,

For the Joy!!

 

Paperworks Months and Weeks

Sorry I totally disappeared on you for a couple of days. I didn't mean to but it happens. 

Last time we met, I shared with you the planning system, Paperworks, I use by Emily at JDC. Starting today, I'll show you how I use it.

Right off, I print the monthly calendar. I pull up the family icalendar and jot down general things. No times unless its something very specific I should remember. I need the activity of writing to help me feel in touch with the month. (A total aside note: Writing was one way I helped my students learn their music. I told them I wanted as many senses involved as possible. If I could have made their music scratch and sniff, I would have.) It may look like overkill to have a digital calendar and a paper calendar and for some it is but this is what works for me.

Then I print out the weekly calendar. This is where I plan out more details. Basketball practice at 6. Overnight kids on Tuesday. Clean out fridge on Wednesday. 5 miles on Monday. It all gets put down here. I use the bottom portion for notes and goals. Sure, I've got this in my Wunderlist app (the productivity app I'm currently using, free version) but it helps me breakdown my week. 

I love the Wunderlist app because it's where I collect my thoughts and to-do's and always have it with me. However because of that very reason, it tends to collect my to-do's and gets very overwhelming. The paper week by week, keeps me focused. I don't have to look from this thing to that thing and get distracted (as much). Tuesday is a 4 mile tempo run and in the kitchen I need to wipe down the cabinets. I want simple and clean and get it done kind of mentality. (This is also why I like training plans and house-cleaning plans. More on those pending another post.)

I try to get my planning done on Sunday. It feels right to do it then. Then they go in a 3-ring binder which I can grab and cross off when completed. When the week is done, I transfer anything I need to and then throw it away. (There is a day planner page in the new planning system but I won't be using it.) There is plenty I don't write in. I don't write in personal Bible study time. I don't write in "read 15 minutes to the boys". I can't write it all in; it would feel to stifled and regimented. 

It would be very easy to focus just on the to-dos and the cross-it-offs and the like. That's my kind of personality. It takes work for me to balance it all out. I was directed somehow to this post by Ashley Ann about how she makes it all work out. She would first tell you it doesn't always all work out. (And my friends, I think we need to comes to terms with that. For real. There will be some unchecked tasks.) After I read her four goals for each week, I have started trying to incorporate them into each week. In case you don't hop over to her post, here is what she says: "Each week I give myself one goal in the following areas: Home Organization, Project completion, Something for Someone else, Each Kid." Ashley Ann from Under the Sycamore blog

 I'm an extremist and I'll go uber-tight or completely lacksadaisical. I need to infuse grace into this Martha mentality of mine, be it Martha of the Martha and Mary duo or Martha Stewart. At the same time, I don't think Jesus for once dismissed Martha's work. She just happened to miss the mark in one particular instance (that gets recorded for all time in Scripture). It's just that when Jesus happens to be reclining at your home and your sis is soaking Him all up, you can't exactly get Jesus to bend to your will because you tattled on her. This may be earth-shaking news only to me but people are people, not projects. 

I'm all over the place it seems but I'm still in process of figuring it out. Does this make sense to anyone else? I'd love to here from you. What encouragement do you have for me, for us? What's working for you? Here's how Emily uses portions of her Paperworks.

Starting Anew

I felt my heart needed a good cleansing with my last post. It's not bad to wrestle with tough things. I think that's another lie of this world: either we shouldn't wrestle or that we should feel ashamed because we do wrestle. 

But our wrestling should lead us back to God because only He can truly answer our struggles. If we're going to fall, fall into Him. This is what Ann Voskamp shared a few days ago, right when I was at my lowest.

After reading that I encourage you to spend some time reading this next one by her about starting out new. 

I hope you'll read through her thoughts. They take time to chew and swallow and you'll want to go faster but don't. 

New Year's Blessings, friends.

It's Shocking

It is shocking how a word from a loved one will undo me. Cutting me to the quick is not what I have in mind. It is the self beating up that I inflict upon myself. It is the "You're a screw up." mentality. It is the "You're the one messed up. You're sin is too great and all the fault lies with you." banter that afflicts my thoughts and leaves me sleepless, causing me to run away. 

It singles me out and it's me in one corner and the truth in the other.

Sometimes I can't handle the truth.

And sometimes I refuse to handle the truth.



But here's what I refuse to believe anymore. That very lie.

That I fall outside of where grace abounds.
But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more. Romans 5:20 

It may be my favorite of all time. Grace abounds.

That kind of truth is for me. 

This may be the most unsettling Christmas greeting. The most unwelcoming New Year's tiding. But where is the scene of the selfish innkeepers and townspeople of Bethlehem who refused room to a very in-need woman in the height of labor? Who takes a selfish fit selfie in the middle of "Prepare Him Room" season? No. No one shows that.

Grace Abounds

Do you know what happened when those grubby, smelly shepherds saw the most spectacular thing in the skies above them and heard the most outrageous news of their lives? I mean, were they prepared for that kind of announcement? They ran to Him and they adored Him and no one would have pegged them for being the O Come All ye Faithful type. And there I stood, stock stubborn with no gifts that I wasn't going to give Him on bended knee.


 "…and this is the marvel of marvels, that he called me Beloved…"*

Grace Abounds

It's shocking how a word from a loved one will undo me.



*from The Last Battle by C.S.Lewis 

Coming Out Even in the End

Last night I tucked in bed a sad boy because our basketball game was quickly interrupted and we couldn't finish it. My tucking him in was also wedged in between trying to read to him a few pages and having a mama sit upstairs waiting for conversation to help brighten her night before she headed off to work. 
I plopped on the couch, feeling defeated. "When does the God math work out?" I wondered to myself. I've pondered this idea many times in the course of the last year, especially.
"God math" is my term for laying down your life for what really matters. The important but seemingly non-urgent things. It means giving up self. It also means that sometimes other things get set aside. But I'm telling you, for my life, sometimes those lesser important things pile up and I can't handle the undone-ness. 

So here's the thing. I prayed for this for me and my family. He's answering. It looks like this. "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13.

It's what I will point my children to. It is holding out the word of life to those who don't know it. It's spending an afternoon visiting with a young mom who needs to be assured that she is doing this mom thing right and that chaos doesn't have to follow her. It is listening to someone talk their crazy out, because heaven knows I've done that. It's playing with a little boy who thinks the world of you instead of getting in your own game. It's inconvenient and time-consuming. It's worth it. 

One of my favorite children's series is the Frances books. In Bread and Jam for Frances, she makes her lunch come out even in the end. Bites of this and bites of that, until it is all evenly gone.
Even though I so desperately want it to work out now it will always feel undone until heaven. There it will all make sense. The parts I don't get now will fit together in His plan. It will give Him glory. 

This isn't what I thought I would post about today. It probably doesn't make any sense but thanks for reading as I typed my crazy out. 

I decided I'd share just a little bit more. She could use some prayer. Our relationship hit a rocky spot at the end of May. I took a break. I saw how God did use me in several ways in her life. I learned a lot. By His goodness we have spent a bit of time together recently. I would love to share some pictures of her and her baby as watching them is powerful but I can't. She is worth more than an ego boost in doing good and is not a sideshow attraction.

Another mom can also use your prayers. When the land of milk and honey, of opportunity, has been opened to you, is it just to fill your pockets and line your bellies or is there more? What she was unable to do and to provide for her young children, she can now but she needs to know it's not because of location, it's because of Him.

This is where my heart is at. This isn't always where my body is at. I'm tired and the mostly non-important piles are accumulating and the most important things (people) are just wanting some Mom time and I need strength for both. It will all come out even in the end. 

Tell me, where you are undone and uneven and how I can pray and encourage you?

Brave Back to School

Ben- 5th, Luke- 2nd, Audrey- 10th grade

This morning I woke up and told Bill "I can't believe school is starting today." For me there was no build-up of anxiety. It was just like any other day: wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed then go to school. Even missing was Audrey's wardrobe/hair drama because student council was required to wear their BSC shirts. (Audrey's not wearing her's yet for some reason that I don't care to figure out why because she'll resolve it herself.) While I'm glad that there isn't the aforementioned drama, I'm just a little sad that there isn't a cute outfit.

I snapped the standard back to school picture in which they all participated in willingly and then turned to Bill and pretended to cry which suddenly turned into real tears. I don't know why. All summer long, I've felt as though I've fought to adjust to having them home and now here, ten minutes from them starting school, I'm putting away the toaster and I kind of don't want it to happen. It's moments like these that remind me I am a mother.

This morning I knew of four other mothers who were sending a child off to school for the first time. They couldn't help but cry. It's not just starting school. It's new beginnings in life: starting school, first sleepover, first solo driving, first trip somewhere, graduation, starting college, getting married... I have come to terms that I will be a crying mess at every single one of those events. 

As I was praying with a couple of other moms, God brought to mind this truth: He cares for my children way more than I do. I said it allowed and let it sink in. Because this is so true, I am called to do one thing: trust.

Brave trust.

It's a new phrase of mine. 

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16 

Brave trust that approaches the throne. Brave trust that touches grace and laps at mercy. Brave trust that it is He who brings about all things for His purposes and perfects us for His glory. 

May you step in brave trust today.

There Is Hope

"It is not how we are created that gives us worth. It is that we are created in God's image that gives us worth." Kathy Bunting, director of Birthright, Ames

You, my friend, are worthy. God has deemed it so because he has created you.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

Informed Choices of Iowa has two clinics- one in Ames and one in Iowa City. They offer pregnancy testing, ultrasounds, other testings, advice and encouragement. It is a medical clinic. They are not an abortion clinic.

Birthright of Ames, is part of Birthright International. They offer pregnancy testing, council, maternity clothing, infant clothing and nursery items, and other services.

Both of these places are free. If you know of, or are yourself pregnant- you are loved. You are wanted. You and your child are deemed worthy. Please consider using these excellent places to help you. 

It's not so much about the clothes as it is about the love

 I took B to Birthright where they were kind, caring and hooked her up with many items she needed for baby K. I left with a more hopeful girl. That means everything to her.

I Am Like

I am like Moses, standing before the burning bush. I stammer something about how I can't do it and His reply is "I AM".

"I AM" is enough.

I am like an Israelite, standing before the opened Red Sea. What's a person to do when you ask for His help and He cracks wet ground for you to walk across? 

Walk.

I am like Joshua about to take the city of Jericho. The non-rhetorical question "Have I not commanded you?" ringing in my ears.

Be strong and courageous.

I am like the psalmist, searching the horizon for the coming help.

Know that the Maker watches over.


Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14




Exodus 3:14; Exodus 14:21-22; Joshua 1:9; Psalm 121

Permission to Try

Today I want to share with you a little something written by Shauna, the wife of one of Bill's cousins.

I hope you'll pop over to (in)courage to read what she has to say in her guest post, Tryer's Remorse.

Shauna blogs at Permission To Be Real.

It All Points to Jesus

These are thoughts that piled up like presents under the tree from Christmas last month. 

The Sandy Hook tragedy shook me like no other one of recent years has. I'm not sure why. I do have a seven year old and so I could very quickly relate to those mothers. I felt it more acutely. Maybe because this year, of all years, I'm allowing sorrow to enter my life to a greater extent and letting God bring me through it. In the past, I would have ignored it, shut it out, shrugged it off. The tragedy was close on the heels of our friend's death; a friend's father dying; a few short months away from another's friends' daughter passing; I know things that I now know and personal brokenness is just breaths away from consuming me. It has not been an easy year. 

I thought of them all and I couldn't help but think in the middle of all of it- Shouldn't all of this point us to Jesus? We usually celebrate Christmas as a joyous time, which it still is but maybe we forget that we can have both joy and sorrow at the same time. We don't like that. We will choose one and ignore the other.

Many voiced their fears. You can take any situation and turn it into something to fear. Or you can take your fears to the Perfect Love who has driven out all fear (1 John 4:18). Zechariah's song in Luke 1:74-75

To rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to enable us to serve him without fear in holiness and righteousness before him all our days.

Zechariah was speaking about the Israelites specifically but the promise is true for all believe that Jesus is the Savior of the world (1 John 4:18).

We pulled out our very favorite Christmas books to read aloud. The Herdman's from The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Truthfully, I've always thought them still off, even when Imogene finally hollars for the whole congregation to hear, "Hey, unto you a child is born!". But this year I marveled at how they didn't know a single thing about the Christmas story and once they found out a little they wanted to know it all. So they ransacked the local library to find out more and it turned out more fantastical than their comic books. The story struck me fresh and new.  
In The Christmas Miracle of Jonathan Toomey, we learn Jonathan Toomey has let the sadness in his life turn to bitterness. Pish posh, he says to everything even remotely nice.   His countenance changes when he decides to pull out the most hurtful part of his life and work through it. Though I have a dresser drawer full of hurts still to sort through, I'm not Jonathan Toomey anymore.
I didn't really consider Moosletoe to be that great of a book before. Truthfully, I rolled my eyes when Luke said he wanted to read it. A moose family, with hair galore and a pop that would deck the halls for the family (instead of the mom)! But as I sat and read it, I noticed my own not so perfectly perfect holiday home and I became very okay with it.

This year was our most non-traditional Christmas of all. We celebrated Christmas with Bill's family at Thanksgiving in a condo in Missouri. We were not going to celebrate with my side of the family because my parents went to visit my brother and family who are in California. In fact, they were taking Audrey with them and would be gone over Christmas so she wouldn't even be home. I purchased the smallest tree I could find from Lowe's two hours before a big snow storm hit. I strung the lights (smallest tree ever- still ran out. I have a light problem. hee her) and then Ben declared the kids were decorating this one and we were not having Pinterest perfect tree this year. I was going to make a few kinds of cookies and candies as we always do. I made two batches of sour cream cookies and that was all. I kept the decorating so minimal this year. Our advent calendar, one table top and the tree.

I spent some time with my friend Lisa the day before Christmas. I finally voiced what I felt. Sometimes we have traditions for the sake of traditions and those should really be kept loosely at hand. Bill is a big believer of that and it's taken years of gentle patience to work my grip looser. But sometimes our traditions help point us in the direction our hearts need to go and I was worried that we might miss Christmas because we weren't doing Christmas.

Once Audrey arrived home from California, we all sat together to have our celebration. Bill took up the Bible and began to read from almost the beginning of Luke. Normally he starts in Luke 2, but for some reason he started in Luke 1 with the birth of John the Baptist being foretold. We found a lot of interest in the purpose of John- "to make ready a people prepared for the Lord". God sent someone to get their hearts ready to receive Jesus. 

As we packed up one day to spend time with my sister and her family, Luke said to me "I can't wait for Ariana and Chiara to open their gifts!" He was so happy to be able to share with them (he could have also been a little eager to receive, as well). I asked "Don't you think God felt the same way when Jesus was about to be born?" I guess I've always imagined that God was a little sorrowful for parting with his Son so that Jesus could come to earth. Imagined it as a selfish sorrow. My Luke's enthusiasm gave me a different perspective. It wasn't just that God gave his only son, his best son, he gave him willingly, eagerly, delightedly. All of time had been pointing toward this one gift, this one birth, this one Jesus.

How long do you think Jesus was born before the angels burst out of the heavens?

"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests!" 

 

Parenting: It’s Never an Interruption

If yesterday's was for women only, this applies to everyone today. Parents, grandparents, not yet parents, singles. Yes, it's written from the perspective of parenting, but it really can apply to life in general. 

I hope you will once again, take time to follow the link to Paul Tripp's site and read this. I think you will be glad you did.

Parenting: It’s Never an Interruption

By Paul Tripp

Parenting is all about living by the principle of prepared spontaneity. You don't really know what's going to happen next. You don't really know when you'll have to enforce a command, intervene in an argument, confront a wrong, holdout for a better way, remind someone of a truth, call for forgiveness, lead someone to confession, point to Jesus, restore peace, hold someone accountable, explain a wisdom principle, give a hug of love, laugh in the face of adversity, help someone complete a task, mediate an argument, stop with someone and pray, assist someone to see their heart, or talk once again about what it means to live together in a community of love.

What you do know is that Scripture gives you the wisdom that you need and your always-present Messiah gives you the grace that you need to be ready to respond to the moments of opportunity he’ll give you. Along with this, you and I must remember that our Lord loves our children more than we ever could and his commitment to their growth and change is more faithful and persevering than ours could ever be. Because of this, in his grace and love, he’ll manufacture moments that expose the needy hearts of our children to us. He’ll faithfully employ the little moments of everyday life to expose to us and our children their need of rescuing and forgiving grace. And he’ll not do this only at the moments which you feel are appropriate and when you feel most prepared.

Let me give you an example. We had planned a day at a local theme park with our children. I was anticipating a day of familial amusement park bliss. You know, I was hoping that on this day my children would be self-parenting and if God could throw in a fully sanctified wife that would be cool! Well, we get to the park and are getting out of the van and one of my children said, "Dad, may we have something to drink before we go into the park?" It didn't seem like a dangerous request. I opened the cooler, which was full of soft drinks, and all of my children sighted in on the one can of soda that they all knew was the best. Immediately, global nuclear war broke out. They were pushing and shoving, grabbing and pulling, throwing ice at one another, saying unkind things and hitting one another's hands out of the way. I couldn't believe it, we’re not in the park yet and my day was already ruined!

So I jumped in and said, "Do you want to fight? We don't have to pay all this money for you to fight. I'll take you home, put a cooler in the backyard with one can of soda in it and you can fight forever!" Soon my children aren't fighting anymore because they're watching the crowd gather as I lose it in the parking lot of the theme park.

Let's analyze what's going on in this moment and what's happening inside me. What's going on is that a God of grace is taking a mundane moment of daily family life and using it to do something wonderful for my children and for me. He's making the condition of their hearts visible in order to produce concern in me that would hopefully result in awareness and a desire to change in them. But I'm not at all encouraged in this moment with what God is doing. You see, I'm not angry in the parking lot because my children are sinners. No, I'm angry that God has exposed their sin, and because he has, I have to forsake my agenda for the day and parent them! It all seemed a huge imposition; a hassle that I just didn't want to deal with.

But the reality is that if your eyes ever see, or your ears ever hear the sin, weakness, rebellion or failure of your children, it’s never an imposition. It’s never an interruption. It’s never a hassle. It’s always grace. God loves your children; he’s put them in a family of faith, and in relentless grace he will reveal their need to you again and again so that you can be his tool of awareness, conviction, repentance, faith and change. And because in these moments he asks you to forsake your agenda for his, this opportunity of grace isn’t just for your children, it's for you as well.

But my problem is that there are moments when I tend to love my little kingdom of one more than I love his. So I'm impatient, discouraged or irritated, not because my children have broken the laws of God's kingdom, but the laws of mine. In my kingdom there shall be no parenting on family vacation days, or when I am reading the paper on my iPad, or after ten o'clock at night, or during a good meal, or... And when I'm angry about interruptions to my kingdom plan there are four things I tend to do:

1. I tend to turn a God-given moment of ministry into a moment of anger.
2. I do this because I’ve personalized what isn’t personal. (Before we left for the amusement park that day, my children didn't plot to drive me crazy in the parking lot).
3. Because I’ve personalized what isn’t personal, I am adversarial in my response. (It's not me acting for my children, but acting against them because they’re in the way of what I want).
4. So I end up settling for situational solutions that don't really get to the heart of the matter. (I bark and order, I instill guilt, I threaten a punishment and walk away, and my children are utterly unchanged by the encounter).

There’s a better way. It begins with praying that God would give you new eyes; eyes that are more focused on his eternal work of grace than on your momentary plans for you. This better way also includes seeking God for a flexible and willing heart; ready to abandon your agenda for God's greater plan. And it lives with the confidence that God is in you, with you, and for you, and will give you what you need so that you can face, with courage and grace, the parenting moment that you didn't know was coming.