Monday, March 7, 2011

How I’m Doing

Many of you have been asking, which always surprises me. How am I doing? Doing? Doing what? Then I remember- oh yes. How am I doing now that Victoria is gone? And again, the answer is not easy, it does not simply, briefly surmise. How I wish it did! I’d love to rip off a couple of one-liners. Here’s my life now, in a nutshell. But that just isn’t the way it’s working out.

Initially, after she left, Bill and I were expended. I describe it as us just having run the hardest race of our life, the last 200 yards we pushed and pushed. And when we crossed the finish line, we didn’t come slowly to a stop, stay in our lane and wait for the timer to get our name. We collapsed into the grass and threw up (that actually happens). And, thankfully, no coach came over and said, get up, get over it, there’s another race to run.

But any runner will know you aren’t done running once the race is over. Unless you are in severely bad shape, there are the cool down laps to run. You don’t skip those. (Believe me, Mr. P., my high school track coach, got very irate about a certain team of 4 x 4 runners skipping cool down laps!) I’m not certain the exact reasons for the cool down run, only to guess that after exerting yourself, you need to gradually cool your body down so that muscles and lactic acids and stuff don’t mess you up. But, man, I wanted to skip the cool down. I wanted to run away, sort it all out, get a new game plan and then come back. However, life plowed ahead. There were events to attend, work to do, laundry, lessons, friends, fights, attitudes, emails… and in the very least, 3 hungry mouths to feed at least 3 times a day every day!

I thought I was doing okay. I knew I was going through some loss type issues that I shared with my friend, Deanna. I knew from my time the immediate Sunday after, that I need Him. And I needed Him to lead me. And I was willing to go where He lead. I was willing to be laid down in the green pastures and given quiet water to drink. So when I’d get up on my feet and try a few steps, I was caught by surprise that I was wobbly still. I’d be with friends, sharing the Word together, and out would tumble confusion. Heh. Hi. I’m apparently not okay. I’d be with still more friends, needing friendship that just is, and 2 hours in, I was done. I’d kind of shut down. I needed to go home.

So I’d go home. And I was quiet. But my quiet came in a uneasy sort of way. What is the rhythm of our life now? How do we live now? The one thing that we had focused on, the one person that consumed the larger portion of our time, energy, efforts, conversations, and in a sense, our serving was gone. So now what? And I started sliding. Sliding towards a pit. I could barely handle life. I needed quiet. But I knew I needed a good quiet, not the quiet I was forcing on everyone.

One day it was over-whelming. I curled up in my chair. I cried. I knew I wasn’t to rush into another “thing”. I was to listen to Him, follow His lead. Where was He leading me? What was I supposed to do?

His answer: Well, you have a husband and three kids.

Me: Really? That’s it?

Him: Yeah.

Me: But that’s not exciting. In fact, I don’t really want to.

Him: That’s it.

Me: (stunned) …God?

Him: (dial tone)

Well, He didn’t just up and leave me. He’s never left me. It’s just that this is His plan for me. And so that’s where I am. I’m home. I’ve got this little thing called family and God really wants me to take care of them. He’s showing me more of Himself, more of myself, my need for Him, more of Him in everything. I’m watching, listening, letting Him lead. These are my cool down laps. Or are they warm-up laps?

Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12: 1


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